PETA will probably write me an angry email for this one...

Dear Tricia, We were at a Colorado Rockies game and the couple that sat next to us asked what they need to eat at Coors Field. My boyfriend said the brats are good and the famous food at the stadium used to be rocky mountain oysters. They said "Oysters? Weird." I then realized they thought it was weird because we are landlocked, so I asked if they knew what rocky mountain oysters were. After explanation, I want to know if it really was the food known to the stadium and how they were/are served?

*Warning! This entry is not meant for the faint of heart. If you have bad vision and can't read a computer screen very well, then this is one meant for you.*

Hmmmm. Well, how do I begin this one without grossing everyone out? Aw, screw it, I've never been one to be bashful on my blog. Get ready readers, if you don't know what Rocky Mountain Oysters are, we're talking about cow balls. Yessirree, the testicles of male cows, better known as Bulls. Bull balls. Balls. Balls. Balls. Swinging sirloins. Some claim that Rocky Mountain Oysters are balls from bison, and Prairie Oysters are from the bull. But they can also come from sheep or boars.
Now that you've gotten over the initial shock and possible disturbing mental image, lets get to the schooling on serving bull balls, also known as "tendergroin," "calf fries," and "prairie oysters." Bulls that aren't meant for breeding are often castrated when they're calves because it makes them less aggressive and a little meatier for when its time to go "out to pasture." I know that sounds horribly sadistic, but that's what also happens to your dog when he gets neutered. Their little family jewels get removed so that their behavior is less aggressive. Simple as that.
The history behind Rocky Mountain Oysters isn't cut and dry, which is understandable because I don't think that's something Encyclopedia Britannica really wanted to dive into. (Although its a lot more interesting than reading about the history of the flashlight) It seems that ranch cooks used to always be on the lookout for new sources of food, and bull cajones were yet another part of the cow that they didn't want to let go to waste. Stop grimacing... this is something that tribes all over the world since the dawn of time have been practicing. Letting any part of an animal meant for food to go to waste was blasphemous, especially when it came to trying to make it through a cold winter. So, balls it was. Testicles are technically defined as an "offal," which the dictionary defines as "by product or waste from a process," but in the culinary world, it means the internal organ, rather than the meat or bones. Many countries, including our very own, classify some offals, such as liver and kidneys as a delicacy. Bull nads fall in this same category: something to remember if you order the offal tasting at an expensive French restaurant.
But lets get to your precious Rocky Mountain Oysters. RMO's are almost always served fried. The testicle is sliced (ouch) into smaller pieces, dredged in flour and spices, and deep fried. Served with dipping sauce, the flavor is supposed to be pretty neutral, but reminiscent of liver. According to Tom Green, they taste like "fried cowlamari." If you decide to make your very own bull nuts at home , you should be able to special order them from your butcher, especially if you live in Colorado, Montana, or anywhere closer to the Rockies. Most likely, they will be come frozen. While they're still frozen, slice and peel away the muscle around the testicle. What's left is what you will slice, season, and fry. One recipe I found was written by someone who swears by marinating the slices in beer first.
As far as Coors Field being known for this ballpark delicacy, that's absolutely true. After looking up different football and baseball stadiums, it seems everyone has their own style of hot dog and sausage, but yours is the only place that proudly serves up Rocky Mountain Oysters, about 40-50 orders a game, according to one Coors Field representative.
Moving on to something else interesting that I found: in Montana, they have Testicle Festivals every summer, and not just one... you have your pick of a handful. Here, people can drink copious amounts of beer (I'm in), enter Rocky Mountain Oyster cook offs (I'm out), watch Hairy Chest competitions (I'm in), and eat plenty fried bull testes (I'm out.) Seriously, go check it out: www.testyfesty.com Apparently, it's a ball.

How to Eat Your Feelings without Getting Cellulite on Your Buttcheeks

Dear Tricia, When I go through a breakup, comfort food is often my new best friend. Although these foods comfort my broken heart, they also comfort my ass and thighs. So what are some comfort foods that won't add numbers to my jeans size? Please help broken hearts everywhere fill the void in our hearts and not our asses.

Oh my sweet, sweet friend... I feel your pain. What's your poison? Mine is an entire wheel of brie eaten cold, and a half a box of wine. Once I even thought about drinking Ranch dressing straight from the bottle, but thankfully, my roommate interrupted that idea. First of all, I'm sorry about your heartbreak, but I know you don't want to hear me spout off all the usual cliches. What you want is comfort food, and that's what I'm going to help you out with, cliche-free. (But I'm going to call him an asshole anyway.)
My idea of comfort food usually involves cheese, and that's where fat-free cheese comes into the picture. Seriously, if you want a big ol' plate of nachos, go rock it out, but use the fat-free cheese to dump some of the guilt. Kraft makes a really good one that melts like regular cheese. I have a recipe that I came up with a few years ago that is a healthy, casserole version of enchiladas, and if Mexican food is comfort food for you, then you're going to love it. It has layers of fat free cheese, refried black beans, and tons and tons of veggies.
Head to the grocery store and buy a few things. And yes, its okay if you're wearing sweat pants that you haven't washed in 6 days. I've totally been there and I'm not going to judge. Here's what's on your grocery list:

1 package of corn tortillas
1 can of enchilada sauce
1 can of fat-free refried black beans
1 red bell pepper
1 onion
1 zucchini
1 bag of baby spinach
1 tomato
1 package of Kraft fat-free shredded cheese

Feel free to take some liberties on what vegetables you want to buy. If you prefer something other than what I've listed, then by all means buy other veggies. Be mindful that carrots and potatoes take a lot longer to cook than squash and onions do, so you may want to avoid those two.
When you get home, pour yourself a glass of wine and start putting together your casserole. Get a casserole dish that is ideally 3" or deeper and no wider than 8" by 11". Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Then chop up your vegetables. Don't worry about making the vegetables look nice, just try to make them close to the same size. You'll also only need about half of the bag of spinach, which you don't need to chop. When the rest of the vegetables are chopped, mix them all together in a bowl. Go ahead and pour a second glass of wine... I'll wait. Ok, ready?
Next you're going to start making layers in the dish. Put 2 tortillas in to cover the bottom. On top of that, spread a layer of refried beans using half the can. Then put half of vegetables over that. On top of the vegetables, pour a third of the can of enchilada sauce. Then put a healthy layer of shredded cheese on top. Repeat this one more time using 2 more tortillas, the other half of the beans, the other half of the vegetables, another third of the enchilada sauce, and cheese. Top it off with 2 more tortillas, the last third of the enchilada sauce, and the rest of the cheese on top. Feel free to pour another glass of wine because if you're like me, you may have "accidentally" chugged it.
Bake the casserole for about 25-30 minutes. Depending on how old your oven is, it may take longer to cook the casserole through, but its done when the cheese on top is fully melted and starting to brown.
So here's what you've got in your Comfort Enchilada Casserole (Enchi-role?): more than a full day's serving of vegetables, an easily digestible protein, plenty of fiber, very little fat content, and LOTS of comfort. The only unhealthy part of this comfort food is the sodium content, but its not going to kill you and it has much less sodium than say... a bucket of fried chicken or an entire pizza. (Hey, I'm just stating the facts. I have eaten an entire pizza. It was ugly.) It also reheats really well in the microwave for when you want leftovers at 2 in the morning. When combined with watching a Sex and the City marathon and plenty of wine, you'll be back to normal in no time, with the waistband of your jeans still leaving you free of muffin tops.

Wow, it sure is windy here...

Greetings from Chicago, my pets. While I'm on vacation here in the windy city, I'll try to do my best and get in a blog entry, but please understand if I don't get to it until Thursday... In the meantime, I'll be trying to finish the book proposal for What the Bleep and attempting to find the perfect Chicago hot dog. If you've got any ideas for good food that I can't miss here, feel free to shoot me an email. But keep checking back for my next blog, "How to eat your feelings without getting cellulite on your butt cheeks."
By the way, yes that IS a picture of the building that Elisabeth Shue and the car thieves scaled in the 80's gem "Adventures in Babysitting." It's one of my favorite movies of all time. Don't &%$@ with the babysitter.