How to Cook Salmon if You're a Diet Vegetarian

Dear Tricia, How do I cook salmon? Love, your pescatarian friend who can't cook pescatarily.

Alrighty my non committal vegetarian friend (is it animals with legs you have a problem with?  Does that include shrimp?), you can do this.   Ready?  Set?  And here we go. 

My favorite easy recipe for salmon requires an oven and a stove.  You're going to start it off on the stove and finish it off in the oven, so go ahead and preheat that baby to 375 degrees while you get some honey, limes, and chili powder ready.

Let's pretend you're cooking 2 salmon fillets.  Are you pretending?  Ok, you'll need 2 tablespoons of honey, 1 tablespoon of fresh lime juice (use the real stuff here- the fake lime juice out of a bottle is like designer impostor perfume, except with produce.  Besides, you can buy 8 limes for a dollar at Fiesta right now.  Go get on that bargain train.), and 2 teaspoons of chili powder. Mix it up with a fork or a whisk until it's you know... mixed.

Get your salmon ready.  That just means taking it out and blotting it off with a paper towel to absorb any extra moisture.   Then take your glaze and pour it over both salmon fillets.  There's no reason to try and be neat here- just pour it over the salmon and turn it over to get the glaze on both sides.  While you're doing this, get a saute pan hot.   If the knob on the stove goes from 1-10, put it at an 8.  Let the pan get hot for at least a minute, and then add 2 tablespoons of olive oil.  Let that get hot for about 30 seconds.  Now take the salmon and put in your pan, skin side up.  If you bought the salmon without skin, then congratulations, you can skip that step of deciding which side to cook first.

You should be able to hear the salmon when it touches the pan.  If you can't, then you didn't get your pan hot enough.  (See my eggs and bacon video blog here for what that sounds like.   Plus, it'll probably make you giggle.)  All you're doing here is letting that glaze start to caramelize while the salmon cooks about halfway.  It's easy to tell when that happens because the color of salmon goes from red to light pink when it cooks.  You can see this happening just by looking at the side of the salmon.  In the meantime, DON'T MESS WITH THE SALMON.  Don't get nosy and start poking it to see what the other side of the filet looks like.  I'll spoil the surprise- it looks like a cooked piece of fish.  If you do this, you'll just break the salmon apart.

When half of it is pink, take a pair of tongs and grab on to both sides of the salmon.  When I say both sides, I mean the sides where you're watching it change from red to pink.  Don't try to slide the tongs up under the part that's cooking- that tear it up.  So, grab on to the sides and gently wiggle it loose from the pan.  If it's not coming up, you can take a spatula and try to loosen it.  Whatever you do, just flip the salmon over.  Then put the pan in the oven and finish it off in there.  (Very important- does your pan have a plastic handle?  Don't be stupid and try to put that in the oven.  Put the salmon onto a cookie sheet or baking dish instead.  Plastic and high heat don't go together very well.)

Let the salmon finish in the oven for another 7-8 minutes, or until there is a thin strip of red left in the middle of where you watched the magical color change that indicates done-ness.  Cooking it until its completely pink means you'll end up with dry salmon because even when you take the fish out of the oven, it will still keep cooking another 5 degrees or so.  So take it out when it looks just under done.
The reason why I say "OR until there is a thin strip of red left" is because it may very well take more or less time than 8 minutes, depending on how long you let your oven pre-heat.  I can't be responsible if you started preheating your oven last Tuesday and now your fish is over cooked.  And don't be afraid to let your own personal preference make the call.  I like my salmon pretty medium rare, and some people like it dry and hard as a rock.  Cook it how you want- you're the one responsible for that, now that you know how to cook salmon.

Go check out one of my other blogs on an easy fish recipe that you can easily substitute salmon for.  Let me know how it turns out!

The Easiest Brisket You Will Ever Make and Then Promptly Devour.

Brisket.  That magically delicious cut of beef is crazy good.  I'm talking about getting downright ugly while you eat- that's how good brisket is.  And its actually so freaking easy to make that its retarded.  (I'm sorry- until a new word is given as a replacement for retarded, I'm still using it.)

First, do yourself a favor and get an overview of where brisket comes from on a cow here.  This is one of my proudest blogs its has pretty pictures too.

Then take inventory of your spice shelf.  You're going to take a tablespoon of everything that looks yummy and put it a plate.  No.  Seriously.  There's no recipe here- does garlic powder sound good?  Use it.  Oregano?  Go ahead.  Red Pepper Flakes?  You have my permission.  And don't forget salt and pepper.  You want to make sure you have enough seasonings to coat the brisket, so if you're only using 4 different spices, try 2 tablespoons of each.  (P.S.- coffee and cocoa powder can transform your brisket into a straight up Husband Catcher.)

Now take your brisket and roll it around in the spices.  Pat it down to make sure they stick, and while you're doing this, get a large skillet hot.  Once your brisket is coated and your pan is hot (if your stove knob goes from 1-10, keep it at an 8), add about 3 tablespoons of oil (I use coconut oil because I eat like a cave girl, but that's another blog for another time.  If you're super curious, check out this blog) to the pan and let it get hot.   Take your brisket and throw it in the pan.  Sear it on all sides, about 2 minutes on each side.  Tongs come in handy here- you can manhandle the brisket this way without burning your hands.  This is basically gluing the seasonings to your brisket and its adding some additional flavor by browning the meat slightly. 

To cook your brisket you have 2 options- use a roasting pan in a 300 degree oven, or a crock pot.  I happen to love using my crock pot.  I got it for $11 at Target and I use it all the freaking time because its hella convenient.  Come on- if you read my blog you know how much I love little smokies- how do you think I get those babies so plump and delicious?

Roasting pan or crock pot, put in 1 chopped onion and then put the brisket on top, fat-side up.  Pour in about a cup of stock or tomato juice* and turn it on low.  (Or cover it with the lid and close the oven door.)  The brisket will be done in 4 hours, but I turn it on before I go to work and come back 8-10 hours later.  Holy deliciousness, Batman.  You just made yourself a damn brisket.

I'm not a big fan of recipes, but for my seasonings, I use the following:  garlic powder, coriander, oregano, parsley, red pepper flakes, coffee, cocoa powder, salt and pepper.  If you want to give this mixture a try for your first brisket making experience, it's pretty much a win win.  You're welcome.

*Please note that, if you're using tomato juice in a roasting pan and covering it with foil- the tomato juice can react with the foil and end up tasting kind of weird.  Covering your brisket with something else first, (like parchment paper) before you wrap it in foil will protect the tomato juice from splattering up and hitting the foil.  Let's avoid weird tasting brisket, shall we?

Killer Guacamole From Outer Space

Dear Tricia, I need a killer guacamole recipe for a party.  Anything different? 


Yes, and first off, I would just like to profess my utter and undying love for avocados. A moment please.


Thank you.  That is all.



For guacamole, it's easy to instantly think "Mexican!" when you're adding ingredients, but you can also branch out and jump to a different continent for some avocado inspiration.  Today, we're going Mediterranean.

First you need to roast some garlic.  Go ahead and roast this entire batch, but you'll only use a couple of cloves for your guacamole.  Save the rest to add to other recipes, or just smear it on crusty bread, dig in, and avoid large crowds for a couple of hours.

Peel every clove in a head of garlic.  Then put them in a piece of foil drizzle with a tablespoon of olive oil, and wrap up the foil tightly.  Cook this at 325 degrees for about 30 minutes, or until the garlic is really golden brown.  This is making the garlic less garlic-y and more sweet.  Its absolutely delightful.

Then take 2 of your golden delicious roasty garlic cloves and smash them up on your cutting board with your knife into a puree.

In a bowl, mash 3 large avocados and mix in your garlic really well.

The mix in the following ingredients:

half a lemon, juiced
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 teaspoon paprika
3/4 teaspoon cayenne
1/2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 cup roasted red bell peppers, chopped small (out of the can or fresh- no judgment)
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

And if you like your dips spicier, add double your cayenne pepper and add a clove of chopped, raw garlic.  Mix everything up nicely and serve with pita bread and fresh slices of cucumber.   Hell.  To.  The.  Yes.

My Chicken is Old and Boring

Dear Tricia, I'm bored with chicken.  I always grill or roast it and I need something new that's hopefully not too difficult for me to ruin dinner.

Chicken can be boring- I totally get it.  I have a couple of ideas to save you from your mundane poultry lifestyle, and luckily the first one I've already covered in my NYC Tacos, Texas Style post from a while ago.  These are great because you can make a big batch and just heat it up as you need it, and it's really delicious when you're drunk. All you need to do is stock your spice cabinet with a few things that will serve you well in your taco making future.

My second glorious idea is actually really simple but it can pass as kind of gourmet if you're trying to impress someone.  (Or just yourself, that's cool too.)  You take a chicken breast (skin on or skin off, its up to you) and sit it on a cutting board in front of you with a sharp paring knife. 

 That's this little one:

 Not this one:

So if you're right handed, you put your left hand on top of the chicken breast and hold the knife in your right hand.  Holding the knife parallel to the counter (or cutting board, or whatever you're cutting on top of) take the knife and cut a pocket along the side of the chicken.  Cut as far over to the other side of the chicken without cutting that side open.   What you're trying to do is make a safe little house to stuff some awesome fillings into without them leaking out of the sides.

Once you've cut a pocket into the chicken, season both sides with salt and pepper.  Now let's talk fillings options.  You want to pick things that aren't messy.  If you're going to use cheese, that's great, just make sure that you stuff the cheese towards the side that's closed, not the side you cut into.  This way the cheese doesn't leak out and make a mess.  We're going for non-messy here, Messy McMesserstein.  Here's some ideas, but you can get as crazy as you want.  You know me- I'm all about encouraging you to screw around in the kitchen.  Have some fun you rock star.

Bacon (cooked), pecans and blue cheese
Pepperoni and mozzarella
Roasted red peppers and pesto
Sausage (If you're using raw sausage, make sure it's cooked all the way through before you serve the chicken.  We'll get to that in a sec.)
Olives and artichoke hearts
Spanish Rice and pumpkin seeds
Gummy bears
Just seeing if you're paying attention
Mushrooms and onions

Once you've got your selected stuffing, (and you don't need a whole lot, just a few tablespoons per chicken breast) just put it inside the chicken.  Get as much as you can in there without it just falling out and making a mess.  And remember, if you're using cheese, stuff it in first so it's up against the closed side. 

Then get your oven heated to 400 degrees.  Have a pan ready and get it hot over medium high heat.  That means if the numbers on the knob go from 1-10, it should be at a 7.  When the pan is hot, pour about 2 tablespoons of olive oil in the pan and let that heat up for a good 10-15 seconds.  Then put your chicken breasts in the pan.  Did you hear the chicken start to sizzle?  Good, that means your pan was hot enough.  Were your chickens silent?  Then your pan wasn't hot, and that's not going to ruin dinner, but it won't give your chicken a really pretty brown color.  Next time don't be afraid to crank up the heat, ok?  Don't pussyfoot around here.

Cook the chicken on one side until it's halfway done.  How can you tell?  Well look a the side of the chicken where you cut into.  The part that's still kind of translucent and pink is the raw part.  The white part is cooked.  When it's half white and half pink, it's half done.  Then you flip the chicken over on its other side.  Give it about 2-3 more minutes here.  Then put it on a cookie sheet or sheet pan and put it in the oven.  Even better if you can have the cookie sheet already hot, inside the oven to accelerate the process. The whole process on top of the stove should take you 8 minutes tops, unless you're cooking some monster huge chicken breasts.  What are they feeding those chickens?!

You're going to let the chicken finish cooking in the oven because I've found this makes the chicken more tender and juicy, plus it lets you have a minute to make a cocktail.  Bonus.  The chicken should be done within 10 minutes.  Again, just make sure there aren't any pink parts.  And if you've stuffed the chicken with raw sausage, the chicken is done with the sausage is completely cooked.  Be really careful with that.  No one likes a raw sausage surprise.

After the chicken is done, pull it out of the oven and let it rest for a few minutes before you serve it.  This keeps all of the juices inside the chicken, and not leaking all over your plate.   That's tip three for keeping things non messy. 

Are you ready to try this one at home?  Go have fun and send me your photos and comments.  Easy as pie, right? Easy as chicken pot pie.

The refrigerator nazi is ruining my lunch break

Dear Tricia, At work we have a fridge Nazi who doesn't want anything stored in the fridge. I used to go shopping for my lunches each week and store them in the crisper bin. With my busy schedule of full time work and full time grad school, I need to leave my lunches at work. Now that I can't, what do you suggest I can buy that doesn't require refrigeration and can be kept in my pantry that the Nazi has lovingly dubbed my "Holocaust cabinet?" (Seriously).  Side note: I usually have tuna in packets, nuts, canned soups and Healthy Choice Fresh Mixers.

Heh, you said crisper bin.  That's so funny- it makes you sound so polite and stuff.  Except when you call people Nazis.  Its weird though that Fridge Nazi gives you space in the pantry, but not the fridge.  That makes no sense to me.  Who is this person??!

You've got a good start going with the tuna packets, etc.   I like that.  Don't forget that chicken and salmon also come in cans and packets.    Toss that stuff in some mayo, mustard and relish and slap it on some bread for a quick chicken salad sammy.   Keep a can opener at work.  Amy's also makes really good organic chili that kinda blows my mind.

Here's something that's kinda interesting though when it comes to making sandwiches or tuna salad with mayo: people freak out about mayonnaise being left out.  I had a super Type-A client (we recognize our own kind in a heartbeat) who was really specific about her gourmet picnic menu because she didn't want any mayonnaise in it.  "It'll get us all sick in the hot sun!," she told me.   Ok, I get that.  I don't want hot mayonnaise either.  If you read my deviled egg blog in April, you'll know that I HATE mayonnaise, whether it be hot or cold or covered in kisses from David Bowie in his Labrynth costume.  But guess what?  It won't get you sick if you leave it out.  The pH of mayonnaise is actually too acidic to host any kind of bacteria.  For instance, if potato salad goes bad, it's the potatoes that get you sick, not the mayonnaise.  If anything, the mayonnaise helps preserve the potato salad longer.  So if you decide to make a sandwich with some mayo on it, don't worry about keeping it cold.  It's the other stuff on the sandwich you want to think about.

When it comes to keeping things cool, people tend to forget that you've actually got a 4 hour window of leaving food out at room temperature before you're at risk of getting sick.   This comes in handy if you get to work at 9 and eat around 12:30.  You're good to go.  Seriously.  Don't worry about it.

You know what's really good?  Asian tuna salad.  It's just like regular tuna salad with mayo and mustard, but instead of relish, you throw some sesame oil and sriracha in there and add some sesame seeds.  All of those extra things are non-perishable.   Yum yum doodle dum.

Peanut butter and bananas rolled into a tortilla is such a guilty pleasure of mine.  That little bit of heaven is A.O.K. to leave out, the bananas just turn brown.

I know that, should the health inspector read my blog, they would freak out over me saying this... but cooked bacon is safe.  Bacon is so well-preserved by the salt that its cured in, that you should have nothing to worry about when you wake up on Sunday morning and find the bacon you left out after cooking it at 2am on Saturday night.   I fully support your decision to eat that.

I wish I had a better solution for veggies and fresh fruit- those guys just need to stay refrigerated after they're cut.  But if you're game for stocking up your Holocaust closet for a few days, a lot of it will be fine for a few days if its not cut.  Think about shopping in your local grocery store: which veggies and fruit are set out at room temperature?  Apples, bananas, avocados, tomatoes, onions, pears, oranges... use that as your reference. Other really yummy non perishable things to add to your lunch to make it feel more veggie-friendly: dried sugar snap peas (I think they're marketed as snap-eas), dried carrot or beet chips, and dried cranberries. 

I looked up the definition of Fridge Nazi on urbandictionary.com and here's what I found:

One or a group whose sole purpose of existence is the stocking of delicious, predominantly gourmet, food in a refrigerator. In the case that said sustenance is consumed, Fridge Nazi becomes livid with indignant fury at perpetrator of such a heinous and ignominious infraction of eating food from a refrigerator.

Sounds like your Fridge Nazi is the kind that doesn't even contribute to the fridge, they just boss you around.  No worries- you're in grad school!  Someday you'll be Fridge Nazi's boss and will be able to stock your own personal gold and diamond encrusted fridge with all kinds of delicately perishable items covered in David Bowie kisses.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Dear Tricia, Since you've mentioned a few of your favorite cookbooks here and there, it'd be cool to see a top 5 or top 10 list of your absolute favorite/can't-live-without cookbooks.


What a perfect idea! And how, because my other favorite thing to talk about, next to food, is myself. Well, that and the vast array of music trivia that I know for no good reason. (Did you know that Bret Michaels wrote "Every Rose Has its Thorn" in a laundromat in Dallas? Well now you do. You're welcome.)

1. On Food and Cooking- Harold McGee
I commonly refer to this one as my Bible. And, while it doesn't have recipes in it, it explains the history and science of everything thats involved in cooking and baking. Some of the content is kind of dry (Its my dream to re-write it someday in my own style. Ooh! I want to email my agent with that idea!) but it answers every question you've ever had about food by getting down to the science of it. And you can't argue with science. (You hear that, Fundamentalists?)

2. Chez Panisse Fruit- Alice Waters
This is both a cookbook and reference book for me. Alice Waters, founder of the famous Berkley restaurant Chez Panisse, wrote about every type of fruit- when its in season, how to pick the good stuff, the history behind it, etc. Then there's recipes to follow each subject. She has a book on vegetables too but I'm partial to this one for no good reason.

3. The Last Course- Claudia Fleming
When I first ventured into pastry, Claudia Fleming was still the pastry chef at Gramercy Tavern in New York City. She wrote a book of her signature recipes and its still my favorite dessert cookbook to this day. In 2002, I spent a weekend in Boston and was able to try some of her desserts, made by the woman herself, when she was the guest chef at Finale.

4. The New Professional Chef- The Culinary Institute of America
I have to pay homage to my alma mater here. This is, by no means, a progressive cookbook. But what it does offer, are old school, traditional recipes and instruction on every basic cooking method and ingredient, ever. Its huge. Seriously, its like 12 pounds. And it has recipes on everything from Beef Bourgignonne to Waldorf Salad.

5. Cheese Primer- Steven Jenkins
If you're interested in anything about cheese, this will be like porn to you. I love this book almost as much as I love my dog.

6. I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence- Amy Sedaris
I don't like this book for the recipes, I like it because its hilarious. It makes me laugh every time I open it. Amy Sedaris is my hero. She made a tiny tear-away 2007 calender for a friend of mine (Only one degree of separation between you and me, Amy!) one Christmas. It was 2009.

7. Barefoot Contessa's Back to Basics- Ina Garten
If I had to pick a cookbook written by a celebrity chef, this is the winner. Ina Garten's show on the Food Network, Barefoot Contessa, is like taking a Xanax with a martini chaser. Seriously, the film work is pretty sexy. Her recipes are ones that you can and actually want to make in your own kitchen, unlike a lot of celebrity chef- written cookbooks I've read, and even though a lot of them are French influenced, they're not overly complicated. Plus, she's not annoying as all get-out, unlike most celebrity chefs on the Food Network. (I'm looking at you, Rachael Ray and Giada De Laurentiis.)

8. Fanny Farmer Baking Book- Marion Cunningham
I considered leaving this one off the list just to avoid any other professional cooks making fun of me. Again, this isn't a book of progressive stuff, but sometimes you just don't need to reinvent the wheel, you know? This book has my favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe and my favorite banana bread recipe. When I ran a hotel kitchen in Telluride, I used those two recipes every single day because those were the ones that I got the most requests for. Well, that and my peanut brittle... but that recipe is a secret.

So, that's my top 8. Again, a lot of these aren't cookbooks- they're reference books- but that's what I use most these days to keep the blog going. And its always good to try and learn about the food while you're cooking it. It cancels out all the damage from those Real Housewives of Orange County marathons.

How to Be Gay and Healthy!!!

Dear Tricia, I have the gayest food allergies ever: tomatoes, potatoes, red peppers, green peppers, yellow peppers, eggplant, peanuts, seafood, and chocolate. So what can I eat besides salads and chicken? For real, I need a menu to make me a healthy gay bitch. Currently my diet consists of cigarettes, coca-cola, weed, and gay. Help me grow up and stop eating the same crappy junk food.

I love you. Seriously, thanks for writing this awesome question. If I can reel in the gay fan base, I'll be set for life. I looooove my gays. So I'll tell you what: I'll answer this question, and you tell all your friends about me. Then we can all sing along to "The Divine Miss M" together and watch Margaret Cho do stand up comedy.
Your food allergies suck, but they could be much worse. I'm telling you, the whole wheat/dairy/soy allergy thing... that sucks hard. So I'm going to give you 3 quick meals that are healthy, but as an added bonus... they're cheap! And I know that's also something that is super important to you, especially if you're spending your money on cigarettes.
First though, lets talk convenience store snacks. If your blood sugar is about to plummet, and you want something healthy and really fast, try to find some yogurt and fruit, almonds (unless you're allergic to all nuts, not just peanuts. I know you're not allergic to your boyfriend's), or anything with some protein. Even beef jerky is fine. These are all things you should be able to find in any deli, convenience store, or airport, so you no longer have an excuse for your Cheetos craving after you smoke weed.
For breakfast, eggs are your best friend. They're super filling, they're a complete protein, they have healthy fats that are good for your metabolism, eyes, skin, and brain, and they're super cheap. If you want to go really lean, egg whites are only about 15 calories each. I'm a fan of scrambling them up with some fat free cheddar cheese (Kraft brand melts the best out of the fat free cheeses), spinach, and onions. Throw them in a whole wheat tortilla if you want to take it to go.
For lunch, think turkey. Keep your fridge stocked with sliced turkey (if you can afford the stuff sliced fresh at the deli, its much lower in sodium) sandwich meat. Here's what you can do to it to make it taste fatty, even though its not:

Microwave a whole wheat tortilla for about 10 seconds.
Spread some fat free re fried beans (straight outta the can) on the tortilla.
Put a few slices of turkey on the beans.
Top it with some fat free (or not... no judgment... totally up to you) cheddar.
Roll it up and put it back in the microwave for 30 seconds.
Done and Done.

What's great about this is that the beans are fat free, and full of protein, complex carbohydrates, and fiber. The turkey adds more lean protein, the cheese adds calcium, and the tortilla provides some more complex carbohydrates. The key is to make sure you get the fat free re fried beans, not the ones made with lard. Gross.

"Why use whole wheat tortillas instead of white tortillas?" you ask? Well, whole wheat flour takes longer for your body to break down than white flour. So while your body is working hard on that, the energy you're getting from the calories in the tortilla is being used at a slower, more deliberate pace. If your body breaks down food before you have had time to actually use the calories, the extra calories get turned into fat. So you want foods that take longer to digest, and foods that are packed with protein and fiber. Whole wheat tortillas have both. This is why you want to avoid eating excess sugar: it breaks down really fast and your body will turn the unused calories into fat.

For dinner, pile up on the veggies. Sugar snap peas, asparagus, and green beans are all super easy to steam. You just have to wash them, get a pan really hot, dump them in the pan with about a 1/4 cup water, and put a lid on it. By the time the water has evaporated, the veggies will be cooked. Remember, get the pan REALLY hot before you put the veggies and water in. Otherwise it won't steam... the water will just sit there and the whole event is anticlimactic at best.
Brussel sprouts are easy to cook if you slice them in half, toss them in a little bit of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper, and then roast them in the oven at 400 degrees for about 15 minutes. Brussel sprouts are one of the most nutritious veggies because for every 8 calories, they have one gram of protein and one gram of fiber. That's like, unheard of in the world of food. So they make you full really fast, plus they have a ton of vitamin C and K. Vitamin K helps prevent bruising, by the way. Its awesome. I like it because I bump into things a lot.
If you take a bunch of these steamed veggies and mix them with some cooked whole wheat spaghetti noodles, olive oil, salt and pepper, and a little lemon, you've got a very ghetto, yet nutritious pasta primavera. The you can take your sucky chicken that you're tired of and hide it in the noodles for some extra protein. Ugh... thank God you're not vegan. Then you'd really be screwed.

The Scary Comfort of Mall-Sized Cookies

Dear Tricia, Thank you for your blog about comfort food, however when I need comfort food, I look for something like chocolate cake, a mall sized chocolate chip cookie, or anything slathered in Nutella. Any help?


If I'm going with the basis of my last comfort food blog and assuming that you want something that won't add cellulite to your butt cheeks, then yes I can help you. The Nutella thing throws a wrench in my research, but we'll get to that later.
Welcome to my office. I'm sorry you are currently in need of comfort and its namesake food. Please come in and make a white wine spritzer: I'm already one ahead of you.
Mall size chocolate chip cookies are indeed a comfort when you're in need. And I'm sorry, but Its just plain mean to put up those Great American Cookie kiosks in the middle of the mall so that there's no escape when your blood sugar plummets while shopping, you get a whiff of chocolate chip heaven, and somehow levitate and then float over to the cookies without any recollection of it whatsoever. Those cookie guys deserve to be punished. Or maybe they deserve a medal, I'm not sure. So, what I've found is a recipe for an olive oil cookie that you can bake at home into your own mall sized cookie. Its lower in fat, and the fat is unsaturated and actually good for you. The cookie dough doesn't include chocolate because most of my readers are looking for quick and convenient recipes, and the olive oil chocolate chip cookie recipes all have about 26 ingredients in them. I'm pretty sure if you're in need of comfort food you're not in the mood to go grocery shopping for 26 ingredients. So, its a sugar cookie. We'll get to the chocolate chips after.
Here's your ingredients:

1 cup sugar
1/3 cup olive oil
1 tablespoon vanilla
Two egg whites
2-1/2 cup flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 cup skim milk

Mix up the first four ingredients in a bowl.
Mix up the flour, salt, and baking soda. Add half of them to the bowl and stir it up.
Add half of the milk and stir it up.
Add the other half of the flour, salt, and baking soda. Stir it up.
Add the rest of the milk, stir it up.

(I know the whole stirring in half the flour and half the milk, etc., seems like a pain in the ass. You want to just dump it all in there, right? Well I promise you this saves you time, elbow grease, and extra cleaning up. Trust me. Or don't. But when you waste your precious time that could be spent at Happy Hour, and 12 Clorox cleaning wipes, I'll be the first one to say I told you so.)

Take the dough out of the bowl and wrap it up in plastic wrap. Put it in the refrigerator for about half an hour before you roll it out. While you're doing that, make another white wine spritzer and preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

Roll out the dough about 1/4" thick. If you don't have a rolling pin, just use a can of pan spray or a bottle of liquor. You probably have at least one of those, right? Don't use a can of something inedible (like hairspray) just in case you have bad hand-eye coordination and might get it on the food. No one likes AquaNet cookies.

Here's the fun part: Don't cut the dough. Transfer it on to a buttered cookie sheet and bake it as a mall-sized cookie. Bake it for about 10-12 minutes, or until the edges start to turn brown. Beautiful.

To top your comfort cookie, get an 8 oz container of fat free cream cheese. Beat it real good, like the domestic abuse guys say in the back of the squad car on C.O.P.S., and add about a 1/4 cup of sugar. Beat it until its light and fluffy and spread it on top of your mall sized cookie. And on top of that, you're going to sprinkle MINI chocolate chips. The reason why you want to buy mini chocolate chips is because you get chocolate in every bite but don't have to use as many because they're not as big as regular sized chocolate chips. The portion size is naturally smaller... so try not to use the entire bag, okay? Even in your state of distress, remember this blog and try to resist.
Okay, so what you have there is a mall sized cookie, a basic fat free cream cheese frosting, and your precious little chocolate chips. It's not calorie-free or sugar-free, but come on... I'm not God.
Now for your Nutella request... at 100 calories per tablespoon, this stuff is NOT healthy. Delicious, I know... but it has serious potential to take you on an express train to Cellulite City. So here's what I say when it comes to needing a vehicle for a fatty topping to your mouth: use fruit. It has natural sugar instead of processed high fructose death wish, and it has lots of fiber so you'll feel full faster, along with lots of good vitamins and minerals. When you're buying the ingredients for your mall-sized comfort cookie, go buy a pint of strawberries for dipping into Nutella. Or some bananas, or maybe a mango. Whatever suits your fancy, Fancy Pants.
I hope this helps your need of comfort food! If it doesn't, I'm always ready for another challenge in the battle against big butt cheeks. Just try me...

How to Eat Your Feelings without Getting Cellulite on Your Buttcheeks

Dear Tricia, When I go through a breakup, comfort food is often my new best friend. Although these foods comfort my broken heart, they also comfort my ass and thighs. So what are some comfort foods that won't add numbers to my jeans size? Please help broken hearts everywhere fill the void in our hearts and not our asses.

Oh my sweet, sweet friend... I feel your pain. What's your poison? Mine is an entire wheel of brie eaten cold, and a half a box of wine. Once I even thought about drinking Ranch dressing straight from the bottle, but thankfully, my roommate interrupted that idea. First of all, I'm sorry about your heartbreak, but I know you don't want to hear me spout off all the usual cliches. What you want is comfort food, and that's what I'm going to help you out with, cliche-free. (But I'm going to call him an asshole anyway.)
My idea of comfort food usually involves cheese, and that's where fat-free cheese comes into the picture. Seriously, if you want a big ol' plate of nachos, go rock it out, but use the fat-free cheese to dump some of the guilt. Kraft makes a really good one that melts like regular cheese. I have a recipe that I came up with a few years ago that is a healthy, casserole version of enchiladas, and if Mexican food is comfort food for you, then you're going to love it. It has layers of fat free cheese, refried black beans, and tons and tons of veggies.
Head to the grocery store and buy a few things. And yes, its okay if you're wearing sweat pants that you haven't washed in 6 days. I've totally been there and I'm not going to judge. Here's what's on your grocery list:

1 package of corn tortillas
1 can of enchilada sauce
1 can of fat-free refried black beans
1 red bell pepper
1 onion
1 zucchini
1 bag of baby spinach
1 tomato
1 package of Kraft fat-free shredded cheese

Feel free to take some liberties on what vegetables you want to buy. If you prefer something other than what I've listed, then by all means buy other veggies. Be mindful that carrots and potatoes take a lot longer to cook than squash and onions do, so you may want to avoid those two.
When you get home, pour yourself a glass of wine and start putting together your casserole. Get a casserole dish that is ideally 3" or deeper and no wider than 8" by 11". Preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Then chop up your vegetables. Don't worry about making the vegetables look nice, just try to make them close to the same size. You'll also only need about half of the bag of spinach, which you don't need to chop. When the rest of the vegetables are chopped, mix them all together in a bowl. Go ahead and pour a second glass of wine... I'll wait. Ok, ready?
Next you're going to start making layers in the dish. Put 2 tortillas in to cover the bottom. On top of that, spread a layer of refried beans using half the can. Then put half of vegetables over that. On top of the vegetables, pour a third of the can of enchilada sauce. Then put a healthy layer of shredded cheese on top. Repeat this one more time using 2 more tortillas, the other half of the beans, the other half of the vegetables, another third of the enchilada sauce, and cheese. Top it off with 2 more tortillas, the last third of the enchilada sauce, and the rest of the cheese on top. Feel free to pour another glass of wine because if you're like me, you may have "accidentally" chugged it.
Bake the casserole for about 25-30 minutes. Depending on how old your oven is, it may take longer to cook the casserole through, but its done when the cheese on top is fully melted and starting to brown.
So here's what you've got in your Comfort Enchilada Casserole (Enchi-role?): more than a full day's serving of vegetables, an easily digestible protein, plenty of fiber, very little fat content, and LOTS of comfort. The only unhealthy part of this comfort food is the sodium content, but its not going to kill you and it has much less sodium than say... a bucket of fried chicken or an entire pizza. (Hey, I'm just stating the facts. I have eaten an entire pizza. It was ugly.) It also reheats really well in the microwave for when you want leftovers at 2 in the morning. When combined with watching a Sex and the City marathon and plenty of wine, you'll be back to normal in no time, with the waistband of your jeans still leaving you free of muffin tops.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun... And Wine... And Snacks... And Wine.

Dear Tricia, Can you recommend savvy healthy snack options to compliment wine night with the girls?

Why of COURSE I can! Not only am I a pro at combining entertaining and food, but I'm also a pro at drinking wine. Sure, I know a lot about it, but I'm just better at drinking it.
So we've got a few things to pay attention to here: savvy, healthy, and for my and every other young professional's sake: convenient. This helps me narrow it down, because I prefer to just set out an entire wheel of brie with a knife. (And that's just when I'm drinking wine without any guests coming over.) For healthy, you can't really go wrong with a homemade bruschetta. Fresh tomatoes, fresh basil, olive oil, balsamic vinegar... it's healthy, its colorful, and its refreshing because right now its like 150 degrees outside and no one wants hot artichoke dip.
So, for a very simple version of homemade bruschetta, (pronounced "broos-ket-a", not "brush-etta"), here's what you'll need:

4 ripe Roma tomatoes (Smell them to check if they're ripe. Do they smell like a tomato? Are they soft, but not mushy?)
1/8 cup fresh basil, chopped (You can find it in the produce department of the grocery store in little plastic containers.)
1 teaspoon of garlic powder
3/4 teaspoon of salt
2 Tablespoons of olive oil
1 Tablespoon of balsamic vinegar

1. Chop the Roma tomatoes into pieces. How small? Well, small enough to make them easy to scoop up with a piece of bread or pita bread, and small enough so that its not messy when you eat it. That's how you have to think when you're cooking: how can I make this easy to eat? (And that goes for you, Mr. Sushi chef who always makes spicy salmon rolls the size of coaster.)
2. Rinse and dry the basil. Pull the leaves off the stems (just throw them away or discreetly leave them in your nosy neighbor's mailbox), and chop the basil in to pieces as small as you can get them. Don't worry about them getting stuck in your teeth when you eat the bruschetta. Everyone's going to be eating it, so you'll all have green flecks in your teeth together. Consider it a bonding experience.
3. Mix the chopped tomatoes, chopped basil, garlic powder, salt, olive oil, and balsamic vinegar. Then let it sit in the fridge for about 30 minutes until you taste it. When you let bruschetta (or salsa too) sit before you eat it, the flavors blend together like the members of The New Kids on the Block. Sure, you can put them out on stage and they'll sound OK, but when you give them some time to rehearse (especially after a 15 year hiatus), they're going to sound completely awesome. And don't laugh at that: I'm serious. I know that everyone of you had a little crush on Jordan Knight.
4. After the bruschetta sits, take it out and taste it. Does it need more salt or garlic? Go ahead and add it. A recipe is just a guide: its what you do to make it your own that makes you a rock star in the kitchen. Serve your bruschetta with slices of baguette (get fancy and toast them in the oven for a few minutes), or pita chips, or anything that tickles your fancy. Have fun with it.

If you don't have time to put anything together, like if I come over unannounced because I need a drinking buddy or need to talk about my boyfriend, there are some really helpful things to have on hand to make a quick antipasto platter. Things like canned artichoke hearts, mixed olives, and hummus can make a really beautiful plate to serve for snacks and they're very healthy. A great way to serve artichoke hearts, cold and right out of the can, is just to drain the water out, cut them in quarters, and toss them in a little Italian dressing. You can get fancy and serve sliced prosciutto or with them, add some mixed olives in a cute dish, and then throw some fresh cut red bell peppers on the plate too to serve with some hummus. All these are things you can buy in the store: you just have to open the containers and put them on a platter. And no matter how lazy you are (I'm talking to myself here), its really simple and takes less than 5 minutes. Some of the more upscale grocery stores even have antipasto bars with all kinds of goodies that you can package up yourself and just pay by weight.

Let me break down the nutritional information on these two snacks:

Bruschetta: Even though there's some salt in it, the recipe is predominantly tomatoes, so you're getting lycopene, polyphenols (antioxidants that counteract things like your skin drying out from having too much wine on girl's night), Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin K (helps prevent bruising if you happen to run into doorways on occasion like I do), fiber, and each tomato is roughly only 25 calories. Fresh basil also has plenty of Vitamin K in it to help keep away those naughty little random bruises.

Antipasto platter: Again, this plate definitely has some salt in it, but the olives are super high good fats that take care of your skin, hair, nails, and even help your metabolism. Hummus has lots of Vitamin A, protein and complex carbohydrates (so you'll feel full), fiber, and the fat content is almost entirely unsaturated.

If you're not already the most popular girl at wine night, this will definitely push you to that level. And if you're not comfortable being the most popular girl at wine night, just take a cue from... we'll call her "Sue"... and bring a lame bag of pretzels every time. Yeah, you know who you are...

Is it better when the Germans roast your nuts?

Dear Tricia, I am in love! Yeah my husband is great and all, but I had these amazing German roasted nuts this weekend. While I enjoyed them so much, I would have paid less if I had flown to Germany and bought them there! Do you have a recipe for German roasted nuts? Not that I need the frequent flier miles, it's kinda cold in Germany!

Seeing as how my last name is Reisch, you have come to das right place for German inquiries. Now, I have never had these elusive German Roasted Nuts, but after researching them, I found out that they're a trademarked product used with a patented nut roasting machine, specifically for roasting nuts with water. In looking at information on these machines, I learned that they are:
1. very large
2. very expensive (so expensive that they won't advertise the price)
3. and that the German nut roasters are very secretive about how they actually work.
I'm pretty certain that you'll have to trade your firstborn for one of those machines and if it fits in your garage, you're lucky.
I don't have any recipes for "water-roasting" nuts. I do, however, have 2 recipes for candying nuts that might be close to what you're looking for. One is super-easy, and one requires a little more skill but is worth the effort. For the easy one,

You'll need:
1 pound RAW nuts with no skins
1/4 cup maple syrup
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 tsp salt

Toss the nuts in the maple syrup, sugar, and salt and spread them evenly on a cookie sheet lined with wax paper or parchment paper.
Roast at 350 degrees for about 10-12 minutes, or until the nuts start to smell toasted.
Be very careful with them when you take them out of the oven, since hot sugar is basically equal temperature to liquid magma.

The more advanced recipe requires you to get all your kids out of the kitchen for 20 minutes since they like to grab things... especially hot things that you're busy trying to cook. This is probably why I don't have kids. Or maybe its because I don't have a boyfriend. Who knows.

You'll need:
1 pound RAW nuts with no skins
3/4 c plus 1 tablespoon granulated sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp vanilla

Have a clean cookie sheet ready.

Combine the sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla with just enough water to make it feel like wet sand. Wipe the inside walls of the pan off with water to make sure there are no loose sugar granules on it.

Let the sugar cook without stirring it or moving the pot around. Once the sugar is dissolved and it is clear and bubbling, you're going to cook it until it "spins a thread." That means, when you dip a spoon in the sugar and pull it out, the extra sugar that drips off the spoon drips so thin that it looks like a thread.

Once the sugar is hot enough to spin a thread, TURN DOWN THE TEMPERATURE TO MEDIUM, and dump in all the nuts and start stirring. (very important to turn it down, otherwise you're going to mess up everything and ruin Christmas) You're going to stir as fast as you can (Watch out! The kids have a sixth sense that tells them when something hot is on the oven! Go yell at them to sit back down in front of Blue's Clues)and keep stirring. The sugar will start to crystallize, or look like its turning back into solid sugar, but that is fine. Just keep stirring until the sugar starts to melt and turn light golden brown, or caramelized. The nuts will start to make a popping noise because they are toasting in the sugar.

Once all of the nuts are coated in a golden brown caramel, pour them on to a cookie sheet and separate them with the spoon so that they harden individually and not in chunks. Let the liquid magma nuts cool before you eat them or throw them at your husband.

I hope this helps you. Give them a try and decide if you want to add more spices next time, or maybe some salt or some heat(like chili powder.) These won't be the exact same as your prized German Roasted Nuts; those German nut roasters are so secretive that they won't let anyone, including me (a girl with the most German last name EVER) know how they make them. And because of that, I think they can just suck it. Or, das schtucken it, rather.

Is that a salad, or did you just fart?

Dear Tricia, Ok...ahem(clearing throat)...Tis the season for potlucks! As a lovely 28 year old female there is pressure to arrive to a friendly potluck dinner with something sinfully delicious...and to be honest...I'm a hard working lady and don't have time to bake or slow roast anything! What's a girl to do? When a guy brings a salad...its perfectly acceptable...but when a girl walks in with some leafy greens everyone looks as if you farted in the middle of the room! So...we single gals need some advice. What's are some potluck suggestions for a gal on the go?

First of all, it IS completely acceptable to bring a salad, and if you're getting dirty looks, then your host can just suck it. (I'd just go ahead and tell the party "That's right. I brought a salad. Jealous?" but that's just the kind of person I am.) What I've found for you though, is a standard spinach artichoke dip, which everyone and their mom loves. That's why its on every Chili's and Applebees menu. It's also cheap to make since I know I'd rather spend my money on cocktails than a stupid potluck dish where people might look at you like you farted.
Grab a casserole dish or "borrow" one from your neighbor. (See my Swedish meatball post for how to steal kitchen equipment from your divorcing neighbors.) In the dish, mix:

1 14 oz can artichoke hearts, chopped
Half a bag of frozen chopped spinach (thaw it in the microwave since you're a busy girl.)
1/2 c sour cream
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup cream cheese
1/4 grated parmesan cheese (this time you can cheat and use the stuff in the green can. I won't tell.)
A sprinkle of garlic powder or a clove of chopped garlic.

Mix it all up in your casserole dish with a spoon or your hands, cover the dish with a lid or with foil, and bake it when you get to the pot luck, at 375 degrees for 20 minutes.

That's all you have to do. It's fool-proof, even when you're making it after a few glasses of box wine at 2 in the morning. (Hypothetically. I'm not saying I tried it out after box wine binge drinking. Especially not last Thursday.) Pair the dip with a bag of chips at the party, because I promise you someone will have brought chips as their potluck dish. Then its their turn to be looked at like they farted.

That's a spicy meat-a-ball... from the fjords.

Dear Tricia, My only problem in the kitchen is that dishes won't wash themselves... Blargh!!! How about a recipe for meatballs that don't turn out like hard balls of sawdust?


Have you ever wanted to dress up like a member of Abba while making meatballs, just because it gives it that extra Swedish feel? No? Oh. Neither did I. Just checking.
I don’t have a favorite meatball recipe, because any meatball recipe can be adjusted to make it moister and less sawdust-y. There are 3 great tricks:
First of all, don’t use just ground beef. If you have the extra cash, get some ground veal in there, and some ground pork. If your recipe calls for a pound of beef, use 1/3 pound beef, 1/3 pound, veal, and 1/3 pound pork. Trust me; this will make a huge difference.
Second, don’t use dried breadcrumbs, use fresh. If you have a food processor, just pulse some bread slices without the crusts. If you don’t have a food processor, you have a couple of options. You can either cut or tear up the bread into small pieces, or you can borrow a food processor from your neighbors that are about to get a divorce: I promise you they registered for a food processor at their wedding, and they’ve never used it. Chances are, they’ll forget you have it, and you can totally score a sweet piece of machinery. Then you can let me borrow it.
Third, if your recipe doesn’t call for grated parmesan cheese, add some. Add about a quarter cup for every pound of meat. Grate your own... don't use the fake stuff in the green jar. Again, it'll make a huge difference in the sawdust comparisons.
For the cooking process, fill a hot pan about a 1/4'” with olive oil cook the meatballs on medium-high heat, just enough to give them a dark brown color and 2 sides. After they are browned on both sides, finish cooking them in your sauce on medium heat for about 20 minutes. If you are making your own sauce, add the meatballs at the end of your sauce-creating when you’ve gotten the flavor of sauce that you wanted. If you’re using sauce out of a jar (Hey, I don’t judge.) let it get hot before you add the meatballs.
For some good recipes, I’m a huge fan of Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network,) and epicurious.com has great recipes from Gourmet and Bon Appetit, all ranked by readers, so you can pick the best one. Go rock out with your meatballs out.

You say potato, I say retarded.

Dear Tricia, Ok, here is a really general topic. I consider myself a pretty good cook for a dude my age with no training. I can make many sorts of dishes pretty well, but I am never satisfied with my potatoes. I really want to be able to make some good breakfast potatoes and a nice side dish for dinner. They always seem to come out too hard in the center or too cooked on the outside. Am I retarded? I am so scared. It is getting cold and dark. Now there is a bright light.

First and foremost, yes you might be a little bit retarded. But that’s not going to stop me from telling you how to cook your potatoes because, what can I say... I’m an equal opportunity advice-giver, and I also donate money to the Special Olympics. When it comes to boiling potatoes to mash them, there’s a really great way to cook them perfectly without getting them too mushy or too hard in the middle. You know how when you boil potatoes, you’re supposed to cook them until a knife can be inserted into the potato easily? (You didn’t? Well, now you do.) Try taking the potatoes out of the water a few minutes before that, when you can put a knife into the potato, but it takes a tiny bit of pressure to get it to do that. Then, put the hot potatoes in a colander to drain them, and cover it with a towel. The potatoes will steam until the centers are perfectly cooked. (I’ve got to give it up to my homie Ina Garten for that trick. Seriously. Watch Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network. She's kind of awesome.))
For an easy yet delectable potato side dish for dinner, I’m a huge fan of roasting them: Wash the potatoes, but leave the skins on. Cut the potato into 1” pieces. There’s really no method to this: you just want a piece of potato that is big enough to look appetizing, and small enough to fit into your mouth. Keep in mind that if your guests are children or Japanese business men, you'll probably want to cut pieces on the smaller side. All of the pieces need to be similar in size too so that you don’t end up with some un-cooked pieces, and smaller pieces that turn to mush.
Put the potatoes in a large bowl and coat them with a little bit of olive oil, plenty of salt and pepper, sliced shallots or onions, and some fresh herbs. (Whatever tickles your fancy... rosemary is pretty traditional, and thyme is also quite lovely.) Spread the potatoes out on a cookie sheet and roast them at 400 degrees for about 15 minutes, or until they are done. Not sure what done is? Take one out, let it cool off first so you don’t burn off all your taste buds, and try it. Is it soft, but not mushy? Did you enjoy eating it? Then they’re done. If it was hard and gross and you audibly said “That’s disgusting,” then leave them in a bit longer.
If you want something fancier, bake the potatoes on a cookie sheet at 400 degrees until they're the texture that you like for baked potatoes. (This can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours, depending on how crappy your oven is, or if you live at high altitude.) Let them cool a bit, and cut off the top third of the potato. Scrape out the insides and mash it up in a bowl with butter, cream cheese, bacon, more bacon, chives, more bacon, salt, pepper, and anything else that can clog your arteries. Then put the mash back inside the potato with a spoon and cover it in grated cheese. Pop them back in the oven until the cheese is melted. There you have it: a new way to eat your feelings when you're feeling down in the dumps.
For breakfast potatoes, try some old-fashioned hash browns. I’m always so surprised at how many people don’t know how to make them because they’re super easy. Wash and peel a couple of potatoes. Get a cheese grater, and grate the potatoes in the larger grate so that you end up with a pile of shreds. Get a large frying pan really hot, and put enough canola oil (not olive! None of that E.V.O.O. crap that Rachael Ray brainwashed America with, it’ll burn too fast) in it to coat the bottom. You're going to cook the potatoes in 2 batches. Put the first half of the potatoes in an even layer into the hot oil. Sprinkle lots of salt and pepper on the potatoes, and then turn the heat down to medium. If you leave the heat on high, you’ll get burned potatoes on the outside, and raw potatoes in the middle. Let the potatoes cook slowly until the bottom is a nice golden brown. Then, flip the entire thing over with tongs or a spatula to cook the other side. Season it with plenty of salt and pepper too. (It’s okay if you break it in half while flipping. No one will notice unless you audibly drop an f-bomb while you do it.) Cook the other side until it too is golden, and voila! Hash browns. Eat, enjoy, and go back to bed to sleep off your hangover.

Seitan? Say what?

Dear Tricia, alright girl I have one for you. I make a MEAN green chili. I use cubed pork. Here's my q....I want to make a really good green chili that's vegetarian. So I sought out "meat substitutes" I thought I might try a product called Seitan....I am not sure if it would hold up to long slow cooking though and how it would make it taste. I was going to used something like chicken boullion to give it the taste but that also is not veggie friendly. Any suggestions?


Excellent choice with the seitan. (prounced “say-tan”, by the way, not “satan.” No satanic references in this entry. Wait… except that one I just made. Nevermind.)
The quick history of it, if you’re interested: Seitan is made from wheat gluten, the protein found in wheat that occurs when it is mixed with water. The starch is washed away and what is left is a chewy mass that after it’s processed a little bit further, resembles meat. It originated in ancient China, is commonly used in vegetarian Asian cooking (especially for those with strict Buddhist diets) and you’ll often see it marketed as “mock duck” in Asian markets. Macrobiotic diets are full of seitan, and you can totally impress your friends with that. “After a convincing phone call from Gwenyth Paltrow, I’ve decided to go macrobiotic. Vegetarian green chili? We can join a drum circle after we eat, bra.”
Seitan is a better meat substitute than tofu because it has a sturdier, more meat-like texture, but still soaks up the flavors you cook it in.
For your green chili dilemma, seitan should hold up to long slow cooking, but don’t add it as early as you would add cubed pork, for two reasons: you have more of a chance of over cooking the seitan, and it soaks up the flavor faster than meat does, so it doesn’t even need the extra cooking. In fact, when your green chili starts to taste the way you prefer, add the seitan at that point and let it cook enough just to soften and to soak up the flavors.
Using vegetable stock is the most basic alternative to chicken bouillon, and it has less salt. You can buy vegetable broth in quart-sized containers in the soup aisle, or you can buy a more expensive version, sometimes sold in the freezer section. For flavor reasons, I’d go with the frozen stuff, but you can always just jazz up the other stuff with extra seasonings.
Also remember that anytime you are making a substitute version of an original recipe, its never going to taste the same, so don’t get frustrated if your seitan doesn’t taste just like pork. If it did, it would be called something else… like pork.