Tuesday, December 8, 2009

How to Be Gay and Healthy!!!

Dear Tricia, I have the gayest food allergies ever: tomatoes, potatoes, red peppers, green peppers, yellow peppers, eggplant, peanuts, seafood, and chocolate. So what can I eat besides salads and chicken? For real, I need a menu to make me a healthy gay bitch. Currently my diet consists of cigarettes, coca-cola, weed, and gay. Help me grow up and stop eating the same crappy junk food.

I love you. Seriously, thanks for writing this awesome question. If I can reel in the gay fan base, I'll be set for life. I looooove my gays. So I'll tell you what: I'll answer this question, and you tell all your friends about me. Then we can all sing along to "The Divine Miss M" together and watch Margaret Cho do stand up comedy.
Your food allergies suck, but they could be much worse. I'm telling you, the whole wheat/dairy/soy allergy thing... that sucks hard. So I'm going to give you 3 quick meals that are healthy, but as an added bonus... they're cheap! And I know that's also something that is super important to you, especially if you're spending your money on cigarettes.
First though, lets talk convenience store snacks. If your blood sugar is about to plummet, and you want something healthy and really fast, try to find some yogurt and fruit, almonds (unless you're allergic to all nuts, not just peanuts. I know you're not allergic to your boyfriend's), or anything with some protein. Even beef jerky is fine. These are all things you should be able to find in any deli, convenience store, or airport, so you no longer have an excuse for your Cheetos craving after you smoke weed.
For breakfast, eggs are your best friend. They're super filling, they're a complete protein, they have healthy fats that are good for your metabolism, eyes, skin, and brain, and they're super cheap. If you want to go really lean, egg whites are only about 15 calories each. I'm a fan of scrambling them up with some fat free cheddar cheese (Kraft brand melts the best out of the fat free cheeses), spinach, and onions. Throw them in a whole wheat tortilla if you want to take it to go.
For lunch, think turkey. Keep your fridge stocked with sliced turkey (if you can afford the stuff sliced fresh at the deli, its much lower in sodium) sandwich meat. Here's what you can do to it to make it taste fatty, even though its not:

Microwave a whole wheat tortilla for about 10 seconds.
Spread some fat free re fried beans (straight outta the can) on the tortilla.
Put a few slices of turkey on the beans.
Top it with some fat free (or not... no judgment... totally up to you) cheddar.
Roll it up and put it back in the microwave for 30 seconds.
Done and Done.

What's great about this is that the beans are fat free, and full of protein, complex carbohydrates, and fiber. The turkey adds more lean protein, the cheese adds calcium, and the tortilla provides some more complex carbohydrates. The key is to make sure you get the fat free re fried beans, not the ones made with lard. Gross.

"Why use whole wheat tortillas instead of white tortillas?" you ask? Well, whole wheat flour takes longer for your body to break down than white flour. So while your body is working hard on that, the energy you're getting from the calories in the tortilla is being used at a slower, more deliberate pace. If your body breaks down food before you have had time to actually use the calories, the extra calories get turned into fat. So you want foods that take longer to digest, and foods that are packed with protein and fiber. Whole wheat tortillas have both. This is why you want to avoid eating excess sugar: it breaks down really fast and your body will turn the unused calories into fat.

For dinner, pile up on the veggies. Sugar snap peas, asparagus, and green beans are all super easy to steam. You just have to wash them, get a pan really hot, dump them in the pan with about a 1/4 cup water, and put a lid on it. By the time the water has evaporated, the veggies will be cooked. Remember, get the pan REALLY hot before you put the veggies and water in. Otherwise it won't steam... the water will just sit there and the whole event is anticlimactic at best.
Brussel sprouts are easy to cook if you slice them in half, toss them in a little bit of olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt and pepper, and then roast them in the oven at 400 degrees for about 15 minutes. Brussel sprouts are one of the most nutritious veggies because for every 8 calories, they have one gram of protein and one gram of fiber. That's like, unheard of in the world of food. So they make you full really fast, plus they have a ton of vitamin C and K. Vitamin K helps prevent bruising, by the way. Its awesome. I like it because I bump into things a lot.
If you take a bunch of these steamed veggies and mix them with some cooked whole wheat spaghetti noodles, olive oil, salt and pepper, and a little lemon, you've got a very ghetto, yet nutritious pasta primavera. The you can take your sucky chicken that you're tired of and hide it in the noodles for some extra protein. Ugh... thank God you're not vegan. Then you'd really be screwed.

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